SUMMARY: RUNNING TIME: 1 Hour, 33 Min.
From Aaron Spelling’s production company, this obscure TV mystery-comedy premiered on ABC-TV on May 21, 1980. Roger Duchowny directed the project off veteran TV screenwriter Ron Friedman’s script.
Mimicking 1976’s big-screen Murder By Death (which parodied Hercule Poirot, Jane Marple, Sam Spade, Charlie Chan, and Nick & Nora Charles), this spoof similarly targets popular 1970’s American TV cops-and-robbers: i.e. Baretta; Columbo and its short-lived spin-off, Mrs. Columbo; Policewoman; McCloud; Starsky & Hutch; Ironside; and Kojak. Even their signature TV theme songs are briefly imitated introducing these goofy counterparts.
Outlandishly disposing of one high-profile Los Angeles undercover sleuth, the nefarious ‘Man in White’ has now declared war on L.A.’s various ‘super-cops.’ Assembling to tackle their common enemy, these bumbling police detectives soon realize they are being targeted for humiliating elimination – one by one.
Ostensibly under Lt. Nojack’s (MacLeod) command, it’s a matter of getting their investigative teamwork together while evading screwball death traps to apprehend this sinister assassin before it’s too late. The question becomes: who gets whom first?
To spell out the movie’s tongue-in-cheek vibe, a cartoony band-aid adorns the opening logo. As a figurative last gag, there’s even a swipe at Dragnet actor-producer Jack Webb’s signature ‘Mark VII Limited’ logo.
The Cast (plus the TV series the character parodies)
The Man in White: Mitchell Kreindel
Officer Pony Lambretta: Tony Danza (Baretta)
Chickie Baby the Parrot (voice only): Mel Blanc (Baretta)
Mrs. Serafina/Seraphina Palumbo: Liz Torres (Columbo/Mrs. Columbo)
Inspector Palumbo: Burt Young (Columbo)
Palumbo’s Bloodhound: Uncredited (Columbo)
Sgt. Salty Sanderson: Connie Stevens (Policewoman)
Sheriff Tim MacSkye: Buck Owens (McCloud)
Det. Studsky: Jamie Farr (Starsky & Hutch)
Det. Len ‘Hatch’ Hatchington: John Byner (Starsky & Hutch)
Chief Ironbottom: Victor Buono (Ironside)
Parks the Pusher: Jimmie Walker (Ironside)
Lt. Nojack: Gavin MacLeod (Kojak)
Detective Starkos: Marty Allen (Kojak)
Mr. Burnice: Richard Deacon
Raquel the Prostitute: Gunilla Hutton
Marilyn the Prostitute: E. Wetta Little
Sophia the Prostitute: Tessa Richarde
Miss Virgina Trickwood: Roz Kelly
Willie the Wino: Mason Adams
Salty’s Arrested Thug: Michael DeLano
Willie’s Physician: Allen Case
Uniformed Cop: Jack Lindline
Truck Driver: W.T. Zacha
Fitzhugh the Butler: Colin Hamilton
Wealthy Couple: Carle Bensen & Harriet Medin
Candy Store Owner: Iris Adrian
‘Girls:’ Linda Lawrence & Kathy Clarke
Studsky & Hatch’s Hot Tub Dates: Uncredited
‘Stunner:’ Tanya Boyd
Other Prostitutes: Twink Caplan & Muffi Durham
Miss Trickwood’s Additional Prostitutes: Uncredited
Narrator (voice only): Don Adams
Note: Another possible inspiration might have been 1977’s ITV comedy, The Strange Case of The End of Civilisation As We Know It. This British mystery-parody co-stars Fawlty Towers’ John Cleese and Connie Booth. Primarily spoofing Sherlock Holmes, other famed sleuths ridiculed are: Hercule Poirot; Sam Spade; Samuel McCloud; Lt. Columbo; Hawaii 5-0’s Steve McGarrett; and James Bond.
REVIEW:
It’s one less insult to a viewer’s intelligence that this misguided live-action cartoon doesn’t resort to a sitcom laugh track. Still, suffering through such dreck spells out how trendy it was for iconic 1960’s-early 1980’s movies to inspire a glut of TV series copycats (i.e. look up prolific TV producer Glen A. Larson’s resumé in that era) – no matter how blatantly.
Whether it be Star Wars – Episode IV: A New Hope vs. the original Battlestar Galactica; Smokey and The Bandit vs. The Dukes of Hazzard and B.J. and The Bear; Hooper vs. The Fall Guy; Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid vs. Alias Smith and Jones; Blue Thunder vs. Airwolf; Raiders of The Lost Ark vs. Tales of The Gold Monkey and Bring ‘Em Back Alive; or even Tron vs. Automan, etc., the odds of TV retreads equaling or even surpassing their big-screen inspirations were typically nil. Let be said, for its own lack of merit, Murder Can Hurt You! gives even the worst knockoffs a bad name.
Considering its ultra-silly premise, eye-rolling slapstick, and moronic puns posing as character names, Murder Can Hurt You! only bolsters Murder By Death’s reputation as a classic comedy-spoof. Neil Simon’s satiric wit, Robert Moore’s first-rate direction, and the chemistry of a game (mostly all-star) cast make Murder By Death – though it’s somewhat risqué – a gimmicky whodunnit worth multiple viewings. Aside from the film’s assortment of wacky gags, a second viewing or more is likely necessary just to catch all the clever jibes targeting detective story clichés.
Murder Can Hurt You!, by comparison, lazily squanders its good TV talent on a dumb, Mad magazine-style script and even more idiotic execution (pardon the expression). Lame caricatures of iconic TV cops, not to mention minimal compatibility amongst this cast, makes watching Murder Can Hurt You! as much fun as sitting through a root canal. What might have sufficed for a few minor chuckles as a Saturday Night Live or SCTV skit is stretched out to mind-boggling feature-length proportions.
Case in point: Aaron Spelling’s reliable production values fall far short, as if even the fake backdrop scenery is embarrassed to decorate such a cheap, made-for-TV fiasco. Beyond cashing their paychecks, one is hard-pressed to fathom what possible value this cast thought the script’s insipid game of misdirection possessed. For instance, the ‘detective’s decrepit clubhouse’ scenes, or, worse yet, the balloon factory sequence, should have drawn instant red flags during any competent analysis of the script prior to filming.
Deeming this whodunnit wanna-be as TV’s answer to Murder By Death is far too generous seeing how Simon’s ingenious concept is swiped down to even the last plot twist. Even a seemingly well-intentioned message in the final few minutes condemning how the sexist American television industry has unfairly neglected females in the TV cop genre is wasted on viewers.
Specifically, Murder Can Hurt You!’s effort advocating for gender equality while simultaneously degrading its own female cast members for bottom-of-the-barrel chuckles surpasses tone-deaf. The script’s misogynistic jabs ridiculing women in TV cop melodramas come off as crass hypocrisy rather than an inspired display of satire. Hence, the less the said the better of Connie Stevens’ over-sexed ‘policewoman,’ not to mention, of the plot’s nonsense parading around a bevy of PG-friendly prostitutes.
Murder Can Hurt You!, ultimately, is far too insipid to qualify for an it’s-so-bad-it’s-funny tag as a guilty pleasure. It instead merits a dubious spot on a list of the worst-ever TV movie eyesores.
BRIAN’S ODD MOON RATING: 1½ Stars
Note: As an early 80’s alternative, there is the Zucker Brothers’ short-lived Police Squad TV series. It was subsequently rebooted six years after cancellation into 1988’s The Naked Gun: From The Files of Police Squad, plus two subsequent yet inferior sequels.
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